Friday, April 16, 2010

Irrational Fears

Deployments... what have they done?

I have found that when you have an irrational fear knowing that it is irrational doesn't make it go away. I always joke that I have PTSD from all the deployments. When Gene is going someplace I become melancholy and have anxiety. He is planning to visit his Mom for less than a week and my mind immediately went to "what if he doesn't make it back?"

Making it back - it sounds so morbid but it is a part of my life and other military spouses out there. Some don't let themselves touch on the worry, others let it consume them. I am more pragmatic. I plan. What would we do, literally? This was a real question last year. A soldier, who grew up a street away from where we currently live, was killed in action (while Gene was deployed). On the way to school the street was lined with American flags. It brought pain to my heart and questions from the girls. We had to talk about it... it is our real life. We came to the conclusion that although it would break our hearts that we are a team and we would be fine. The girls know that. I know that. Gene knows that.

So, I ponder the questions:
"What have the deployments done to me?"
"What have they done to my family?"
"What have they done to our marriage?"
"What have they done to other people?"

Maybe I will alter the questions to:
"How have the deployments changed us?"

Change has it's pros and cons. I know this - We are closer to God.
We are stronger.


clink said...

Sheri ..... you are incredible! I so love your spirit and your heart!