I am an artist!

Do you see how you demean yourself? That is why it's dangerous to deny your Artist self. God has made you unique, He has put that creator element of Himself in you, and you refuse to acknowledge it. He may have caused that opportunity to go to that art retreat to open itself up to you, purely for your own joy. But you refuse to embrace the gift that it is because you can't acknowledge that you are already an artist and have been since the day you were born.

So please, think about this. And next time you feel the urge to claim not to be an artist-Don't. If you don't know what kind of artist you are, because you do a little of everything, say you're a mixed media artist. But if you say you're not an artist, you'll believe it. We listen to what we tell ourselves, as do others. So say it to yourself, if no one else. "I am an artist." And believe it- You are.

This was from a recent post on from birdfromawire.com.

If you had asked me when I was three years old what I wanted to be when I grow up I would have said "an artist".  My Aunt Joan, who is a watercolor painter, saw a gift in me when I was three.  She would take me out  to the countryside and we would paint together.  My Mom let me paint murals on my bedroom walls - starting when I was a preschooler.  I didn't question that dream or falter in my statement.  If you had asked me when I was twelve years old what I wanted to be when I grew up I would have answered again "an artist."  If you had asked me when I was in high-school what I wanted to be I would have said "an artist."  In my first year of college, while I was taking fine art classes, if you would have asked me what I want to be I would have wavered a bit and said "an artist, I think." 

It was the "I think" part that got me derailed.  There wasn't anything monumental that occurred that made me question my heart's desire.  I had encouragement from art teachers my entire life.  I had pieces of art entered in competitions and on display in universities when I was in high-school.  I had experienced nothing but success.  Even in college my professors would choose my art pieces for display.  So I wonder, how did I turn away from my inner voice?

Now that I am starting to realize that dream, I can look back and review.  There were so many moments, just like everyone else, where bits of me were damaged.  Without the whole of me, I started to bend and falter.  I didn't stand tall.  There were times when I needed protection.  I believe with my soul that is why I chose Gene.  He is a protector.  He has amazing types of inner strength that I lack and respect.  Don't get me wrong... I am strong.

Maybe God knew I wasn't ready for the failure, which I fear, that comes along with being an artist.  I struggle if my work is critiqued. I needed more wisdom and confidence that comes with age.  I needed more life experiences.  I needed faith and hope.  God knew these things.

I also didn't have a clue on how to live as an artist.  How to exist and put yourself out there.  I felt a bit that being an artist was selfish.  I had another Aunt who once told me, when I was about eight, that I was selfish and lazy.  Now that I am older I realize that she had heartaches beyond belief and that if I had been older and wiser I would have known to not take her judgement to heart. 

I also have the need to give back but didn't know how.  It is something that we all have.  That is how social work became my career.  I wanted to help people and give back to the community.  Now that I am a stay at home Mom I find a lot of my worth in giving back to my family.  It is one of the ways I show them that I love them.

So, where is all of this rambling leading to?  I am finding my inner artist again.  That three year old who doesn't falter.  The eight year old who doesn't waver.  The high-school girl who is hurting but has a dream.  I am setting goals.  I am putting myself, through the art I create, out there.  I may even make a paycheck, tiny as it may be.    I am an artist (with a little bit of anxiety).